Hilarious Sayings

Here are a few hilarious sayings to have a laugh and kill some time...

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

Benjamin Franklin (one of the Founding Fathers of the United States)

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

Author Unknown

No man acquires property without acquiring with it a little arithmetic also.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (lecturer, essayist, and poet)

If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you.

Arthur McAuliff

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Hector Berlioz (French composer)

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Woody Allen (Actor, director, screenwriter and musician)

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

Katherine Hepburn (Actress)

When I was a kid I looked up gulliable to prove to my dad it really was in the dicitionary.

Author unknown

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Famous cowboy saying

Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him.

Albert Schweitzer (A Franco-German theologian, philosopher, organist, and physician)

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

Ashleigh Brilliant(author and cartoonist).

Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

Arthur Balfour (British politician)

You can overcome anything if you don't bellyache.

Bernard M. Baruch (A financier, stock-market speculator, statesman, and political consultant who used to advice U.S. Presidents Woodrow Wilson and Franklin D. Roosevelt on economic matters.)

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Mae West (Actress)

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Common Facebook status, author unknown

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Oscar Wilde (writer and poet)

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Shrek(Eddie Murphy)

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips (comedian)

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

Steven Wright

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain (author, humorist)

I'm an optimist. I think I will return to Tibet with a Chinese passport.

The Dalai Lama (Buddhist religious leader)

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Mark Twain (author, humorist)

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.

Woody Allen (Actor, director, screenwriter and musician)

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

T-shirt quote, author unknown

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Voltaire (French Enlightenment writer and philosopher)

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Colin Sautar

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Author unknown

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Author unknown

Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.

Friedrich Nietzsche (German philosopher and classical philologist)

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Robert A. Heinlein (writer)

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

T-shirt quote/facebook status, author unknown

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Mae West (actress)

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

T-shirt quote, author unknown

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

Eminem (rapper, actor)

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

T-shirt quote, author unknown

Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.

Oscar Wilde (writer and poet)

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

George Bernard Shaw (an Irish playwright and a co-founder of the London School of Economics)